A Theory of Drunken Dwarves
by diamond-helen
Summary: Alcohol, a strange theory about the Seven Dwarves and a lesson in the benefits of not drowning your conscience in booze. Fluffy smut


_A/N Hi there! So I know it's been a while again but this crept into my head. This is very fluffy, with a bit of smut. There's not much in the way of plot, it's more to get my head back in the game. Enjoy!_

"I'm telling you, the Seeker was controlling the game. He was using all the right tactics to ensure that nothing happened until he wanted it to."

"Yeah, but all that is pointless without a decent keeper, just think of the World Cup final we saw, even the best Seeker can't keep a team from losing if the Keeper can't keep the number of goals down."

"Hmm, maybe, but Seekers are still the most vital part of the team. And they bring most excitement to the game."

"What?! No way. Ok, it's quite exciting for a few seconds when Seekers think they've seen the Snitch, but ninety percent of the time Seekers are really dull. It's all about the Chasers and Keeper."

The two older men swapped amused looks as the younger pair kept up the squabble they had after almost every Quidditch game they went to.

"Give it a rest you two," Sirius said. "You have this conversation on a monthly basis, you're never going to agree, so please can you just agree to differ?"

"No" The younger pair chorused. "Part of the fun is dissecting the game after and insisting on our own viewpoints being correct." Harry added with a grin.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Then I'm going to need a drink." He stated and headed for the kitchen, only to stop dead in his tracks as he opened the door.

A wall of sound hit the four men as the others pushed Remus into the kitchen to see what was going on. The Muggle stereo on the work top was blasting out music, and Ginny Weasley was stood on the old wooden table, beer bottle in hand as a make shift mic. She strutted up and down the table, belting out 'I Will Survive' while Hermione, Luna and the Patil twins laughed and cheered her on. Luna and Padma were sat on wooden chairs, drinks in hand as they sang along. Parvati had slipped off her chair and was now sat on the floor, laughing so hard there were tears running down her cheeks. Hermione was perched on the counter top. Her feet on the back of Parvati's vacant chair as she cheered. Ginny and her audience were so engrossed in her performance that they didn't notice how close to the edge of the table she was. She reached the climax of the song and took one more step backward, her arms stretched towards the sky, the note she was singing turned to a scream as she toppled off her stage.

Luckily for her Harry had seen what was happening and was there to catch her as she fell. Ginny blinked, confused for a moment as to why she was nestled against a firm chest and not flat on the stone floor of the kitchen. Once she realised who had caught her she smiled up into emerald eyes.

"My hero," she sighed, and proceeded to kiss her boyfriend passionately, ignoring the wolf whistles from her friends. Harry turned as red as his girlfriend's hair and turned towards the door.

"Come on, time for bed," he said, blushing further when he realised how his words had been taken by the giggling women in the corner.

Hermione reached over and turned the volume down on the music, still laughing quietly. Padma got up and pulled her sister to her feet.

"Looks like the show's over, time for us to head home. Hermione, thanks for a fun evening. Tell Gin we said bye." Padma said.

The twins headed for the door.

"I'll, er, walk you to the floo," Ron stammered. The twins smiled at him and hooked an arm through each of his.

The remaining occupants of the kitchen just rolled their eyes in amusement. The youngest Weasley boy's relationship with the beautiful Indian twins was the worst kept secret around. The only people who thought it was a secret were Ron, Padma and Parvati, and the only reason no one told them was because it was too entertaining to watch them find random excuses to sneak off together.

Luna smiled softly at the retreating trio. "I'm going to see Buckbeak if that's ok Mr Black?"

Sirius smiled at the ethereal young woman. "It's fine Luna, and I've told you over and over to call me Sirius." She nodded vaguely and headed up the stairs.

"And then there were three," Sirius said, opening a cupboard and pulling out a bottle of firewhiskey and three glasses.

"Actually," Remus said, "I think I'll head home, see how Dora and Teddy are." Sirius nodded, bidding his friend goodnight as the werewolf left.

"And then there were two" Hermione said from where she was still perched on the counter.

"Indeed. Drink?" Sirius asked, raising the bottle of whiskey at her.

"I have one, thanks," she replied, holding up her beer bottle. "I think if I add whiskey to beer and wine I'll regret it." She slipped off the counter and pulled two chairs over to the table. "I will drink with you though."

Sirius smiled and sat with her, pouring a generous measure of Firewhiskey into his glass and regarding the woman opposite him with interest. "So tell me, how does a quiet dinner with the girls turn into Ginny falling off tables?"

Hermione laughed. "She can't hold her drink. Never could. Which is fine when she's in a good mood, just leads to her doing table acrobatics. But when she's a bit sad or down it generally leads to her crying in the corner."

Sirius grimaced. "Oh, she's that kind of drunk." Hermione nodded. "And what kind of drunk is the lovely Miss Granger?" Sirius asked.

"I'm a happy drunk. I end up hugging people and telling them how wonderful I think they are." She pulled a face. "Which can be very embarrassing when you wake up and realise one of those people was Draco Malfoy and you spent half an hour at a party telling him you believed he was a good person and that he could really make something of himself."

Sirius laughed, picturing the scene.

"What kind of drunk are you then Sirius?"

He frowned for a moment. "I don't know really. For a long time I drank to drown the pain, try and find answers at the bottom of a whiskey bottle to my problems. So I guess that makes me a morose, angry drunk. But before and since that period of my life, I've mostly been drunk when out and ended up picking up girls. What does that make me?"

Hermione giggled. "A slutty drunk?" she asked, her eyes laughing at him over her beer bottle. Suddenly she pouted. "You're ruining the theory."

Sirius frowned. "What theory?"

"Me and my friend have this theory that when drunk people turn into one of the Seven Dwarfs." Hermione looked at him as this explained everything.

"What?"

"Think about it. When drunk most people are either, happy, grumpy, dopey or sleepy. I guess some might be bashful. The Seven Dwarfs."

Sirius chuckled. "Ok. But what about Doc?"

She thought for a long moment and smiled. "Everyone knows someone who turns into a right bore when drunk. You know, that guy everyone avoids at functions because he thinks he knows it all and has an opinion on everything from the food to what people are wearing to the current nature of wizard/goblin relations."

Sirius laughed. "Ok, I'll give you that one. But Sneezy?"

She bit her lip thoughtfully. "Got it. My cousin has an ex who used to sneeze and sneeze and sneeze if he drank too much Tequila." She grinned triumphantly, however her face fell. "But you don't fit into a category. There isn't a Dwarf called Slutty."

Sirius grinned. "I could be the big bad wolf."

Hermione stuck her tongue out. "Wrong fairy tale. You have to be either the Prince, the wicked queen or the mirror." Suddenly she laughed. "Or, you could be the heroine. Slutty Black and the Seven Drunks. That has a good ring to it."

"I think you're ruining your own theory. Right now you're more incoherent babbly drunk than anything else."

Hermione smiled. "That's not the drink. That's you."

He frowned. "Me?"

"Uh huh. You make me nervous. And then I babble."

"How do I make you nervous? You've known me for years."

"And had a crush on you for years too. When I was young I was bossy and uptight with you so that I didn't blush like an idiot every time you spoke to me. The older I get the more I want you. So I try really hard not to be by myself with you. And then tonight I'm drunk and you're here and I can't seem to stop talking and now you know and I'll just go and die of embarrassment." She stood up to leave, but was stopped by a firm hand on her wrist.

"Hang on a second sweetheart. You can't drop a bombshell like that on a guy then run away." Sirius stood slowly, moving so that his hands were resting on the table either side of her, his strong arms and body creating a cage so she couldn't take flight. She looked up at him, her eyes wide, lips parted. He closed the gap between them, kissing her plump lips. He groaned as she kissed him back, pressing herself against him. His arms wrapped around her as the kiss deepened, his tongue tasting her, the bitter tang of the alcohol she had drunk sharp on his lips. He pulled back with a sigh. "Go to bed Hermione."

She frowned and opened her mouth to speak, but he stopped her.

"It's not that I don't want to. Merlin knows I've wanted you for months. But you're drunk, and I'm sober enough to know that you'll regret it in the morning, even though I could never regret you. And if I'd had a few more drinks my conscious would be addled by booze and you'd be half naked and moaning on my kitchen table by now. But as I'm not that drunk you need to go to bed and sleep it off." He paused and smiled. "If you meant what you said and you mean it tomorrow, well, you know where I live."

Hermione looked at him, a strange look of thanks, and hurt, and desire. She laughed softly, shook her head and walked out of the room.

Sirius downed the end of his drink and waited a few minutes to be sure she would be in her room before he headed to his own. He undressed and climbed into bed, falling into a restless sleep as his subconscious provided very unhelpful alternative endings to the evening if he had just been a bit less noble.

He awoke to the sound of tapping at his door. "Sirius?" The door opened slowly, revealing an unsure looking Hermione in long cotton sleep pants and a vest top. "Are you awake?"

He sat up, the sheets pooling around his waist. "Hermione, what's wrong?"

She crossed the room and sat on the edge of the bed awkwardly. "Nothing is wrong, exactly, but I have this memory from last night of a weird conversation about drunk dwarfs, and erm, telling you I fancy you, and you kissing me then sending me away. And I wanted to speak to you in private rather than have to face you over the breakfast table. I wanted to say that if you want to forget all about last night then that's fine and we won't mention it again and go back to normal."

"And if I don't want to forget about it?"

"What?"

"What if I don't want to forget about it? What if I want to explore it further now you're clear headed? What if I want to kiss you senseless and explore every inch of your body with my hands and my mouth and make love to you?"

Hermione bit her lip and just looked at him. He smiled gently then leant towards her. He kissed her softly, waiting until she relaxed into the kiss before deepening it again. This morning she tasted of toothpaste and he kissed her harder, his hands sliding up the curve of her waist. She ran her hands over his bare chest and gripped his shoulders. She squealed as he pulled her further onto the bed and pushed her back into the pillows. His hands crept under her top, pulling it over her head in one swift movement. He kissed his way down her naked torso, his tongue circling her nipples, his teeth grazing the soft skin of her stomach as he moved down her body. She gasped and squirmed as he touched her and tasted her. His hands tugged her pyjamas down and he kissed down her legs. She kicked off her pants and ran his hands along her thighs. He grinned up at her before licking at her hot flesh, making her cry out as he teased her with his mouth. He hands tangled in his long dark hair as he pushed her towards her climax, and she shouted hoarsely as she reached her peak gasping as continued to lick at her gently. He kissed his way up her body before kissing her again. She smiled up at him, then reached for the boxers which were the last thing between them. He helped her push them off his body then returned to her. They kissed languorously until she was squirming beneath him again.

"Sirius, please."

He laughed and pushed into her welcoming body, stopping just inside. She pouted and wriggled her hips, trying to push him deeper.

"Sirius, don't tease."

He grinned at her. "Patience is a virtue sweetheart." He laughed again as she growled at him. He thrust forward, as they moaned in unison as he filled her. He pulled back and slammed into her, her nails scratching at his back as she lifted her hips to meet his thrusts. She whimpered as she headed fast for another orgasm, tensing around him as she came. He changed his pace, fucking her hard now, she moaned her pleasure with each thrust until he came inside her. He lay against her for a few long moments before pulling out and rolling onto his back, pulling her with him so she was curled against his side.

"Thank you."

"For what?" he asked.

"For not taking advantage last night. I probably would have regretted it."

"Do you regret it now?" he asked, suddenly wary.

She kissed him deeply. "Not at all. You?"

"Course not. You're amazing. But you might have to re-think your theory again."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not inclined to let you go, and I can't be a slutty drunk if you're the only woman in my life."

She giggled. "Given that I snuck in while you practically still sleeping, I think we've changed fairy tales." She kissed him lightly. "I'll just call you Sleeping Beauty".

"Can't I be the big bad wolf to your little red?"

"That's Remus' role surely?"

He rolled on top of her, kissed her and frowned. "Then you're not little red. I don't share. I'll lock you in a tower and you can be my Rapunzel."

She laughed. "You can lock me in your room for a few days if you like. After that, well, let's just hope for our own fairy tale and happily ever after."

And that was exactly what they got.

_A/N I did say it was fluffy! Thanks for reading, please review._


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